Feel Old! NOT!

Why haven’t you got married yet?

Hamare sanskaron mein kya kami reh gayi thi, bolo?

En unaku kalyamna pidikamaatengardadu?

Anda paiyane eduku reject pannine, badul sollu?

Enge kitte opena pesu, naanga romba cool.

Nee yevanavdae love pannariya, paravale enga kitta sollu – naanga poi pesarom?

Unaku boy freiendsae kidaiyada?

These questions are every single Tamil girl’s very much dreaded FAQs! (and if you’re an exception stop reading this right now, because I am jealous!!!) As much as I hate to admit this, these questions really do get on my nerves. In the community we live in, marriage is a badge of honor that you must proudly wear and show off to your relatives, friends, neighbors, people you know and don’t know. Believe me, it gets worse when you are the only one left to take the plunge – while all your friends, cousins, and distant relatives your age are already married or on the verge of it.

Now, don’t get me wrong or judge me, because I am totally PRO marriage. I am a romantic at heart and I believe in true love, soul mates and all that good stuff. I just don’t think we should rush things just because of the society, parents, age.. blah blah. After countless fights, a million arguments, and another million awkward silences, I have managed to detect the pre-marital process of a handling a proposal.

The Process – 
1.       First things first, when you reach 25 your biological clock is on the verge of exploding, it’s not a clock anymore – it’s a frggin time bomb.

     2.       Then, you become everyone’s favorite family “project” – because people think that you need help!

     3.       Then, comes the pooja and the regular visits to the astrologer, who say you are on the verge of marriage (as if that’s gonna make anyone happy and content) and they prescribe a series of mantras and poojas and what not, and tell you about your doshams and the temples you need to visit. Let’s not forget the fact that the entire world is praying for you at this point, your parents, siblings, relatives.. and people who you forgot about. YOU are literally the one and only reason for their prayer. And don’t forget, by this time you are lighting three ghee diyas to a variety of deities.

     4.       Next, you are invited/forced to every single family event that has happened. In a brave attempt to make you “meet” the right one.  Of course, there is no right one in those festivals; otherwise I wouldn’t be parading my single status today. You’re relatives’ eye you keenly throughout the festivities to see if someone has taken an interest in you or to see if their “introduction plan” worked. Let’s not forget people who you’ve never met before coming up to you and asking why aren’t you married? And, the minute you get frustrated and tell them to get off your back, all hell breaks loose!! You are suddenly not a homely girl; you are an “adangapidari” with lack of sanskarams and mariyadai for the elders!

     5.       Since that didn’t work out too well, you are enrolled in every possible matrimony site on the internet. You’re profile details are sent out to every maami and maama in the corners of the world. From the agraharams of Nagarkoil to the suburbs of Minneapolis.

     6.       Then, the final attempt of questioning which is ideally supposed to lead somewhere. “What happened to that engineering boy who came to return your pen drive 3 years ago?” or “College first year le unna propose pannavanku ippovum un mela interest iruka?” or “Didn’t anyone propose to you yet?” or “Sharradha maami ponnuku ippo 22 - avalku kooda kalyanam fix pannita, ulagatae purinju nadanduko”.

     7.       Last but not least,  “neeye paiyane paatuko” we won’t interfere in your marriage matters anymore, because we are extremely upset with your behavior your lack of interest. That’s obviously followed by point number 3 and rolls down to point number 6.

After not allowing me to talk to boys, after making sure I don’t go on dates, after not allowing me to stay back after 9 p.m., after not allowing me to go to parties, our parents are suddenly disappointed in us not finding a guy when we hit the “prime of our lives”.  I’m just kidding.. or am I?

Understandings –

    1.       Getting married, having kids, buying a house, taking a loan.. none of these come with an expiration date. This is not like buying vegetables at Farm Fresh!

    2.       People who got married at 20 – 22 do NOT have any more guarantee of happiness than whatever age you are at today. Life is meant to be enjoyed, no matter when you find the “one”.

    3.       Those who are married have their own set of problems; marriage does not guarantee happiness, love, care, friendship, ethics, etc. You can guarantee all these for yourself no matter what stage of life you are at now.

    4.       Take the advice of people who love and care about you, but make your own decisions.

    5.       Last but not least, marriage is a choice of a particular lifestyle and not a necessity or an obligation. So, for the love of god take your time!

    6.       Bonus point – Stop meeting every birthday of yours with a sense of doom (easier said than done, I know. But, try.).

For the Socially Awkward

There are going to be some moments which will remain awkward.. Whether you are 13, 30 or 300. 

Brand New Heels

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tripped walking in my flats, let alone my heels. It’s a fact – the bigger the heels, the slower the reflexes and brain-to-body signals.

Situation 1 – Tripping and playing it chill!!

I’ve tripped in front of at least 20 people – fell on all fours – gotten up as gracefully as I can – limped away – went to the loo and examined how bad the bruises were – come out and pretend that everything is chill (even though the same 20 people are staring at you. WTH.. Don’t you all have a life?). You also realized when you were writhing with pain on the floor - the longer you stayed there, the worse it got. This feels much worse than it actually is *This is what you have to tell yourself to stop yourself from getting damaged for life.* You also tell yourself that at least this time you were wearing heels, and not flats.

Situation 2 – Tripping and NOT playing it chill!!

I’ve tripped in front of a whole floor of people – fell on my face – gotten up as ungracefully as I can and people think you’ve broken your hip or something and come to help you, and you badly need their help – with superior will-power you have limped away with your broken shoe in one hand (when all you want to do is lie on the floor and wail like a baby) – went to the loo and examined how bad the bruises were, but you fail to notice the bruise in your face – the bruises you noticed are really bad – come out crying (with the same floor people staring at you. Suddenly, you realize the floor has incredible good looking people in it, and you just made a bigger fool by crying in front of them all, and you don’t even realize there’s a purplish blue bruise on your face, as if we weren’t ugly enough in the first place). You know there is just no recovering from that, no matter how much you try – especially since there was nothing on the floor to trip you up and you realize you tripped over yourself. And you go home, sadly singing Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 

Losing to a Child

I lost count of how many times I’ve lost a game to a child, be it chess, hide-and-seek, scrabble, marbles, .. marbles can you believe it? Even I can’t!

You name it – I’ve lost it. Are they getting ridiculously clever or are my brain cells diminishing with age? The most awkward part is when you act as if you actually “gave up the game” and didn’t lose in front of the other adults, and they actually do believe you, because nobody can be that stupid, right? Sigh!! And the kid looks at you scornfully and gives you a jeering smile, cos the kid knows the truth and has learnt an important lesson today - adults too, can be complete losers. Want to know something even more awkward? When they point at you in front of their friends and say, look at that lady (I can’t understand why someone would call me lady or aunty - it adds to the pain, because now you’re stupid and old!) she lost a game of marbles to my three year old brother, and you realize that you have to live with yourself, and try to block the game of marbles out of your head to retain some sanity.

The Elevator

I’m not talking about the time when someone farts in an elevator, because that’s just gross and not awkward. I’m talking about the time when you get into a crowded elevator, and face one direction and realize everyone else is facing the other way. And the elevator is so crowded, you can’t turn around, but everybody knows there’s a creepy “lady” facing the other way. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, you are stuck for eternity in a metal catacomb. And then, the elevator decides to stop at every floor and nobody gets out and nobody can get it. Suddenly, you’re phone rings drawing even more attention to yourself, and its playing that lounge music that you thought would make you look cool, but it actually makes people around you wish they were deaf or dead. Finally, the elevator door opens and you get out only to see a cute guy get off the lift with you. He hesitates and makes eye contact awkwardly and thinks you’re the one who farted in the lift as well. And you realize this is a day you wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy, and you’re having to live it. 

Now, that's awkward!

Cry Today! Please!

The waiter didn’t have pepper for my tomato soup, while I smiled and told him that’s OK; I started to plan his demises in my head in intricate detail.

Sheila decided that Sunday evening 9.30 p.m. is the best time to tell me I have to submit a high-priority write-up on Monday morning at 9.30 a.m. I managed to keep the sarcasm and cussing to myself, but the urge to fling my phone at her smiling face was seriously irresistible.

I spilt a cup of hot coffee over my favorite white shirt, and I am this close to murdering… the coffee. And, let’s not forget the time when I took a hundred photos at my favorite beach resort, hoping to capture at least one good picture of me and the backdrop - no prizes for guessing, but when not even one photo ends up looking good, you want to seriously burn that camera.. and bury those ashes inside the small box, and then go ahead and burn it again, and put that in another small box.. and you know what I want to do next.

You know that, when something as small as spilt coffee is enough to make you Lose. Your. Shit. It’s time to think what the hell is happening. It’s really not the waiter.. or Sheila or the coffee that made you want to lose your mind, its actually all the pent up emotions and frustrations inside you, that you’ve been holding onto.. forever! Crying is rarely a sign of strength and bravery, right? Wrong, you cry because you are human, and tears are what show you that you are actually alive and kicking. You went thru hell and guess what.. you’re still alive, you made it! You might be in tears, but that’s only because you feel something, you lost something, you want something, these are signs of someone realizing that crying relieves you of all the pent up emotions you are holding back.

Let me paint you a picture, when I cry there is kajal and mascara running down my cheeks, my eyes are bloodshot, my nose is red and resembles Rudolph, and I probably have tissue paper sticking out of my nose. Sob :( Sob.. That picture is enough to make me cry harder. But, one minute after that I’m fine and I'm raring to go! I might have broken down, but - Hey! I picked myself up and that’s all matters! (Avoid looking at the mirror as you cry, you might be scarred for life!)

I suggest/request/command/advice that you cry today. If you look as ugly as me when you’re crying, get into the loo and cry it out. I want you to release all the pend-up emotions so that you don’t kill Sheila.. or harm yourself. Now, I don’t suggest crying every day, but once in a while a few tears might just be your best friend.

Crying certainly won’t pay the bills/help you with your relationships/create new friends and it certainly won’t make you look physically attractive. But, it will make you stronger, braver and help you be patient, now, that would certainly solve a lot of problems, won’t it?