To name a few horror movies
I’ve seen.. Insidious I and II, Saw, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Ring,
Sinister, The Shining, The Maniac, Cabin in the Woods, The Exorcist,
Oculus, Alien, Silence of the Lambs, Conjuring, Evil Dead, Scream,
Psycho, Paranormal Activity, 28 days, Contracted, VHS Tape, 13 sins, 13
ghosts, 6 souls, 1408, Shutter , A tale of 2 sisters, Innkeepers,
Anaconda, Lake Placid, The Grudge, The Hills Have Eyes, Grave Encounters
I and II, You’re Next, The Collector I and II, Final Destination, Red
State, Carrie, Drag me to Hell, The Ruins, The abduction, I know what
you did last summer, Hostel I and II , Jeepers Creepers, Predators,
Jaws, Blaire Witch Project, The Descent, Omen, and many more. This makes
me an expert in occult, abduction, and witchery and today I know what
to do when there’s an apocalypse, alien invasion, ghostly spirits
haunting the house, werewolf attack or zombie outbreak. This is a
compilation of life saving instructions if/when you encounter a
revengeful ghost, crazed serial killer, jealous slasher, or hungry
werewolf.
Lessons learnt:
1. Never trust anyone –
First things first, look at your relatives, friends, neighbors and acquaintances with a lot of distrust, because the serial killer is always someone you know. So, keep your eyes peeled. The serial killer has superpowers too which you should know of, they never set off the security alarm, they never trip even if the room is pitch black, they always have good mobile signal, they know the exact layout of your house, and they always appear out of nowhere. Serial killers are so bad that they can do some weird stuff like sew a mask on their face without cringing, or take photographs of violently killed beautiful women for hours without puking, so don’t mess with them.
2. Never split from the group –
Splitting from the group when there’s a murderous psycho running around equals suicide. Remember Scream, Predators, Anaconda where the loner always.. always dies.
3. Never check the dead –
The killer never dies, so don’t go over there and stoop to check if he’s dead or not. He’s not, but you will be very soon.
4. Never solve puzzles or read artifacts that lead to hell or open hell –
I thought this was a no brainer, just DON’T DO IT! If the puzzle/artifact needs you to blow the dust off it more than once, leave it the hell alone. It’s a portal to hell/evil, DUH! And beware of anything written in Latin with the number 13 and 666. Speaking of Number 666,always inspect the bald head of your newborn.
5. Always be chicken –
It’s OK to not spend the night at a graveyard or avoid staying at the haunted inn, even if the prize is a million dollars, even your friends call you chicken. Oh, and if a friend brings over an Ouija board, it’s alright to punch them in the face. There’s no need to go to the party at the old house that once was an asylum either.
6. Never try to find out what that weird noise is –
When someone calls your name out in the dark, when there’s talking from the other side of the mirror, or there’s that scratching noise up at the attic call your best friend/family and tell them what’s happening or GTFO of the house.
7. Never believe a power cut –
(Do I really have to tell you that?) It’s OK to NOT go to the pitch black basement with a candle to fix the fuse. Take someone with you, get a torch or deal with it in some other way.
8. Always believe children and pets–
When a child says “I see dead people”, he really does. And when your dog won’t enter the house or a room, even after you try to drag him in, he’s onto something deadly. P.S – If the dog runs away, DO NOT run after him, especially if you’re in the middle/border of a forest. The more nervous the animal is.. the faster you should scram. Avoid believing the children only if their eyes glow red and they sing nursery rhymes in a spooky voice.
9. Never believe a friendly alien –
The aliens are not your friends, period. And, it looks like aliens find childbirth too demanding, which is where humans come in handy. Not only do they use us for childbirth, but also to serve as an appetizer for the newborn. Not cool!
10. Never think everyone’s dead –
If you didn’t see them die, they’re probably alive. You just saw someone being dragged off by their ankles, they’ll be back at the last minute stronger and braver than before, and they’ll probably save your sorry self.
11. Never avoid the local’s advice –
They know what they’re saying – they’ve been there for decades, you breeze in out of nowhere and suddenly you know better? No wonder, you’re going to die now. When they say there’s a creepy old ghost in that spine-chilling house atop the hill, you better believe them.
12. Never use the shortcut at 1 a.m. –
No brainer again, the ghosts, spirits, killers, aliens love the shortcuts. STOP GOING THAT WAY. If your friend insists, now is the right time to punch them in the stomach.
13. Never underestimate small towns –
There’s always a demonic cult or Satan hiding there. And they often require a constant supply of pretty girls for sacrifice. Nobody knows why all the girls have to be hot chicks. BTW, if a small town is deserted, people probably vacated it for a very good reason. Staying away from hostels, hotels, asylums and orphanages isn’t a bad idea either.
14. Never underestimate the history –
For the love of god, find out what your ancestors were up to. Maybe the wronged a spirit or made a pact with a demon at full moon hundred years ago? At least find out the history of the house you are in, maybe someone died in there or it’s built on an ancient burial ground or there’s a mysterious opening to hell under the kitchen.
15. Always lookout -
Another thing to look out is – when your petrified friend/partner/parent/whoever suddenly calms down and says there’s no need to run from the devil, alien, zombie, alien anymore. Run like you’re hair is on fire or get them to an exorcist.
16. Never follow the blood –
The blood leads to (no prizes for guessing) either the killer or the dead that’s undead. No need to go there. If there is blood dripping from the ceiling or a bloody object on the floor, don’t look up. If you don’t believe me, check out "Grave Encounters" yourself. Save yourself the trouble, GTFO quickly.
17. Never overestimate a bargain –
You got that house on a bargain for a reason. Dead pigeons, creepy worms, scary mirrors, bleeding walls, whispering voices, are telling you why that house was a bargain. If you’re cheap and novel home seems too good to be true, it probably is.
18. Always protect the most vulnerable part of your body –
We’ve seen the killers grab a girl by her hair or pull a person by the ankle. Tie up your hair when you’re traveling by yourself in the graveyard at midnight and wear sneakers and not heels, heels are the ankle’s enemy.
19. Never believe the good-looking boyfriend –
If you have a somewhat handsome boyfriend or a partner, he’s probably a psycho or a vampire. If he has been transformed into a zombie, there’s no need to confess your love for him or have second thoughts on how zomified he is or if he can be brought back from the dead. Just shoot him in the head and move on, YOLO! You don’t need to believe that the pets that are back from the dead love you either, just slam the door on them. Because, not everyone deserves the benefit of doubt!
20. Never take babysitting lightly –
It’s a dangerous job for anyone, especially if you’re all alone n the middle of nowhere. It’s not to be recommended unless you have a flame gun, axe and a fire arm strapped to your body.
21. Always pick the right friends –
Having the rich, good-looking or athletic friend is of no use because they die first. Choose the friends who are tough and mean - they’ll know to fight, or the nerds - they’ll know the correct passwords in an underground chamber and take you up. However, the best friend to choose here is the person who knows occult. Listen to everything he/she says, you’ll need it when the other friends of yours die after waking up the dead. This is also the right time to know that the one person who is scared of everything will certainly live. And, stop hanging out with friends who wanted to “check out that haunted house”.
22. Never encourage experimentation of any kind–
We all know that genetic, DNA, viral, bacterial, etc. experiments can go extremely wrong. In such cases, stay away from monkeys and people with a glazed expression and blood dripping from their mouth. Refer to point 5 for Ouija board experimentation.
Hope this helps!
Lessons learnt:
1. Never trust anyone –
First things first, look at your relatives, friends, neighbors and acquaintances with a lot of distrust, because the serial killer is always someone you know. So, keep your eyes peeled. The serial killer has superpowers too which you should know of, they never set off the security alarm, they never trip even if the room is pitch black, they always have good mobile signal, they know the exact layout of your house, and they always appear out of nowhere. Serial killers are so bad that they can do some weird stuff like sew a mask on their face without cringing, or take photographs of violently killed beautiful women for hours without puking, so don’t mess with them.
2. Never split from the group –
Splitting from the group when there’s a murderous psycho running around equals suicide. Remember Scream, Predators, Anaconda where the loner always.. always dies.
3. Never check the dead –
The killer never dies, so don’t go over there and stoop to check if he’s dead or not. He’s not, but you will be very soon.
4. Never solve puzzles or read artifacts that lead to hell or open hell –
I thought this was a no brainer, just DON’T DO IT! If the puzzle/artifact needs you to blow the dust off it more than once, leave it the hell alone. It’s a portal to hell/evil, DUH! And beware of anything written in Latin with the number 13 and 666. Speaking of Number 666,always inspect the bald head of your newborn.
5. Always be chicken –
It’s OK to not spend the night at a graveyard or avoid staying at the haunted inn, even if the prize is a million dollars, even your friends call you chicken. Oh, and if a friend brings over an Ouija board, it’s alright to punch them in the face. There’s no need to go to the party at the old house that once was an asylum either.
6. Never try to find out what that weird noise is –
When someone calls your name out in the dark, when there’s talking from the other side of the mirror, or there’s that scratching noise up at the attic call your best friend/family and tell them what’s happening or GTFO of the house.
7. Never believe a power cut –
(Do I really have to tell you that?) It’s OK to NOT go to the pitch black basement with a candle to fix the fuse. Take someone with you, get a torch or deal with it in some other way.
8. Always believe children and pets–
When a child says “I see dead people”, he really does. And when your dog won’t enter the house or a room, even after you try to drag him in, he’s onto something deadly. P.S – If the dog runs away, DO NOT run after him, especially if you’re in the middle/border of a forest. The more nervous the animal is.. the faster you should scram. Avoid believing the children only if their eyes glow red and they sing nursery rhymes in a spooky voice.
9. Never believe a friendly alien –
The aliens are not your friends, period. And, it looks like aliens find childbirth too demanding, which is where humans come in handy. Not only do they use us for childbirth, but also to serve as an appetizer for the newborn. Not cool!
10. Never think everyone’s dead –
If you didn’t see them die, they’re probably alive. You just saw someone being dragged off by their ankles, they’ll be back at the last minute stronger and braver than before, and they’ll probably save your sorry self.
11. Never avoid the local’s advice –
They know what they’re saying – they’ve been there for decades, you breeze in out of nowhere and suddenly you know better? No wonder, you’re going to die now. When they say there’s a creepy old ghost in that spine-chilling house atop the hill, you better believe them.
12. Never use the shortcut at 1 a.m. –
No brainer again, the ghosts, spirits, killers, aliens love the shortcuts. STOP GOING THAT WAY. If your friend insists, now is the right time to punch them in the stomach.
13. Never underestimate small towns –
There’s always a demonic cult or Satan hiding there. And they often require a constant supply of pretty girls for sacrifice. Nobody knows why all the girls have to be hot chicks. BTW, if a small town is deserted, people probably vacated it for a very good reason. Staying away from hostels, hotels, asylums and orphanages isn’t a bad idea either.
14. Never underestimate the history –
For the love of god, find out what your ancestors were up to. Maybe the wronged a spirit or made a pact with a demon at full moon hundred years ago? At least find out the history of the house you are in, maybe someone died in there or it’s built on an ancient burial ground or there’s a mysterious opening to hell under the kitchen.
15. Always lookout -
Another thing to look out is – when your petrified friend/partner/parent/whoever suddenly calms down and says there’s no need to run from the devil, alien, zombie, alien anymore. Run like you’re hair is on fire or get them to an exorcist.
16. Never follow the blood –
The blood leads to (no prizes for guessing) either the killer or the dead that’s undead. No need to go there. If there is blood dripping from the ceiling or a bloody object on the floor, don’t look up. If you don’t believe me, check out "Grave Encounters" yourself. Save yourself the trouble, GTFO quickly.
17. Never overestimate a bargain –
You got that house on a bargain for a reason. Dead pigeons, creepy worms, scary mirrors, bleeding walls, whispering voices, are telling you why that house was a bargain. If you’re cheap and novel home seems too good to be true, it probably is.
18. Always protect the most vulnerable part of your body –
We’ve seen the killers grab a girl by her hair or pull a person by the ankle. Tie up your hair when you’re traveling by yourself in the graveyard at midnight and wear sneakers and not heels, heels are the ankle’s enemy.
19. Never believe the good-looking boyfriend –
If you have a somewhat handsome boyfriend or a partner, he’s probably a psycho or a vampire. If he has been transformed into a zombie, there’s no need to confess your love for him or have second thoughts on how zomified he is or if he can be brought back from the dead. Just shoot him in the head and move on, YOLO! You don’t need to believe that the pets that are back from the dead love you either, just slam the door on them. Because, not everyone deserves the benefit of doubt!
20. Never take babysitting lightly –
It’s a dangerous job for anyone, especially if you’re all alone n the middle of nowhere. It’s not to be recommended unless you have a flame gun, axe and a fire arm strapped to your body.
21. Always pick the right friends –
Having the rich, good-looking or athletic friend is of no use because they die first. Choose the friends who are tough and mean - they’ll know to fight, or the nerds - they’ll know the correct passwords in an underground chamber and take you up. However, the best friend to choose here is the person who knows occult. Listen to everything he/she says, you’ll need it when the other friends of yours die after waking up the dead. This is also the right time to know that the one person who is scared of everything will certainly live. And, stop hanging out with friends who wanted to “check out that haunted house”.
22. Never encourage experimentation of any kind–
We all know that genetic, DNA, viral, bacterial, etc. experiments can go extremely wrong. In such cases, stay away from monkeys and people with a glazed expression and blood dripping from their mouth. Refer to point 5 for Ouija board experimentation.
Hope this helps!
