I’m going to Hell!

There is a lot people don’t know about me, this includes my family and BFFs. There are secrets that I have always hidden deep inside that have never ever been revealed, for a good reason.  However, today I confess..

1. There was this friend in school, who was supposed to mentor me – let’s call him “Ashwin”. Whenever he would talk to me, I would always look at his eyebrow and then his shoes. He’d ask me, if there was something on his face and glance at his shoes. I would say no, and act like I don’t know what he was talking about. This made him forget what he was talking every time and would drive him crazy. I heard him begging our teacher to mentor someone else.
2. I would come early to work and put a piece of transparent cellophane tape under my colleague’s mouse (where the red light flicks). The mouse worked, but it was very slow and hazy. Slowly but surely I watched her go paranoid.
3. As a kid, I used to discreetly eat just the peanuts and cashew nuts from all Haldiram packets my parents brought back home. I would leave just enough nuts, for my family to think that Haldirams were just being stingy. 
4. On the election’s day at work, I glued together all the “Indian Economy” pages in the newspaper. And tried not to laugh loudly when someone tried to pull it apart.
5. I found a vial of glitter at my workplace, and used to find a way to pour just a little at a time into a colleague’s bag, her chair, her keyboard, inside her mobile case, etc for a month. She would be covered in glitter every day and look like a deranged Christmas tree. She never found out what happened and had to clean up every single day.
6. When my colleague left the laptop unlocked, I changed their mouse settings from double-clicking to single-clicking. In 2 days, they looked like they belonged in the loony bin.
7. I would intentionally mispronounce the word affidavit as affidavid, barbed wire as bob wire, clothes as clos, escape as excape in front of my English teacher. She used to be meticulous about pronunciation and tried correcting me many times. Soon, I watched her crack at the edges. Good times!!
8. I once stayed with an extremely organized and disciplined aunt. I would meticulously place an item between the refrigerator door gaps every day (they had the big tall refrigerators). Every time, she opened the fridge a spoon/utensil/flower/plate/toy/paper would fall out. And, she had to bend and pick it up and slowly go cuckoo.
9. Long ago, when mobile phones were a rarity, I changed the language in my friend’s mobile to Chinese. She almost died trying to fix it.
10.  My friend once left his Facebook page open. I changed all his Facebook settings from “All My Friends” to “Only Me”. Nobody liked his posts and photos for ages, and I think it made him feel unloved.

The Ultimate Guide on Surviving Anything Horror Related

To name a few horror movies I’ve seen.. Insidious I  and II, Saw, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Ring, Sinister, The Shining, The Maniac, Cabin in the Woods, The Exorcist, Oculus, Alien, Silence of the Lambs, Conjuring, Evil Dead, Scream, Psycho, Paranormal Activity, 28 days, Contracted, VHS Tape, 13 sins, 13 ghosts, 6 souls, 1408, Shutter , A tale of 2 sisters, Innkeepers, Anaconda, Lake Placid, The Grudge, The Hills Have Eyes, Grave Encounters I and II, You’re Next, The Collector I and II, Final Destination, Red State, Carrie, Drag me to Hell, The Ruins, The abduction, I know what you did last summer, Hostel I and II , Jeepers Creepers, Predators, Jaws, Blaire Witch Project, The Descent, Omen, and many more. This makes me an expert in occult, abduction, and witchery and today I know what to do when there’s an apocalypse, alien invasion, ghostly spirits haunting the house, werewolf attack or zombie outbreak. This is a compilation of life saving instructions if/when you encounter a revengeful ghost, crazed serial killer, jealous slasher, or hungry werewolf.

Lessons learnt:  

1.      Never trust anyone –
First things first, look at your relatives, friends, neighbors and acquaintances with a lot of distrust, because the serial killer is always someone you know. So, keep your eyes peeled.  The serial killer has superpowers too which you should know of, they never set off the security alarm, they never trip even if the room is pitch black, they always have good mobile signal, they know the exact layout of your house, and they always appear out of nowhere. Serial killers are so bad that they can do some weird stuff like sew a mask on their face without cringing, or take photographs of violently killed beautiful women for hours without puking, so don’t mess with them.  

2.      Never split from the group –
Splitting from the group when there’s a murderous psycho running around equals suicide. Remember Scream, Predators, Anaconda where the loner always.. always dies.

3.      Never check the dead –
The killer never dies, so don’t go over there and stoop to check if he’s dead or not. He’s not, but you will be very soon.

4.      Never solve puzzles or read artifacts that lead to hell or open hell –
I thought this was a no brainer, just DON’T DO IT! If the puzzle/artifact needs you to blow the dust off it more than once, leave it the hell alone. It’s a portal to hell/evil, DUH! And beware of anything written in Latin with the number 13 and 666. Speaking of Number 666,always inspect the bald head of your newborn.   

5.      Always be chicken –
It’s OK to not spend the night at a graveyard or avoid staying at the haunted inn, even if the prize is a million dollars, even your friends call you chicken. Oh, and if a friend brings over an Ouija board, it’s alright to punch them in the face. There’s no need to go to the party at the old house that once was an asylum either.  

6.      Never try to find out what that weird noise is –
When someone calls your name out in the dark, when there’s talking from the other side of the mirror, or there’s that scratching noise up at the attic call your best friend/family and tell them what’s happening or GTFO of the house.

7.      Never believe a power cut –
(Do I really have to tell you that?) It’s OK to NOT go to the pitch black basement with a candle to fix the fuse. Take someone with you, get a torch or deal with it in some other way.  

8.      Always believe children and pets–
When a child says “I see dead people”, he really does. And when your dog won’t enter the house or a room, even after you try to drag him in, he’s onto something deadly. P.S – If the dog runs away, DO NOT run after him, especially if you’re in the middle/border of a forest. The more nervous the animal is.. the faster you should scram. Avoid believing the children only if their eyes glow red and they sing nursery rhymes in a spooky voice.  

9.      Never believe a friendly alien –
The aliens are not your friends, period. And, it looks like aliens find childbirth too demanding, which is where humans come in handy. Not only do they use us for childbirth, but also to serve as an appetizer for the newborn. Not cool!  

10.   Never think everyone’s dead –
If you didn’t see them die, they’re probably alive. You just saw someone being dragged off by their ankles, they’ll be back at the last minute stronger and braver than before, and they’ll probably save your sorry self.  

11.   Never avoid the local’s advice –
They know what they’re saying – they’ve been there for decades, you breeze in out of nowhere and suddenly you know better? No wonder, you’re going to die now. When they say there’s a creepy old ghost in that spine-chilling house atop the hill, you better believe them.  

12.   Never use the shortcut at 1 a.m. –
No brainer again, the ghosts, spirits, killers, aliens love the shortcuts. STOP GOING THAT WAY. If your friend insists, now is the right time to punch them in the stomach.    

13.   Never underestimate small towns –
There’s always a demonic cult or Satan hiding there. And they often require a constant supply of pretty girls for sacrifice. Nobody knows why all the girls have to be hot chicks. BTW, if a small town is deserted, people probably vacated it for a very good reason. Staying away from hostels, hotels, asylums and orphanages isn’t a bad idea either.  

14.   Never underestimate the history –
For the love of god, find out what your ancestors were up to. Maybe the wronged a spirit or made a pact with a demon at full moon hundred years ago? At least find out the history of the house you are in, maybe someone died in there or it’s built on an ancient burial ground or there’s a mysterious opening to hell under the kitchen.  

15.   Always lookout -
Another thing to look out is – when your petrified friend/partner/parent/whoever suddenly calms down and says there’s no need to run from the devil, alien, zombie, alien anymore. Run like you’re hair is on fire or get them to an exorcist.  

16.   Never follow the blood –
The blood leads to (no prizes for guessing) either the killer or the dead that’s undead. No need to go there. If there is blood dripping from the ceiling or a bloody object on the floor, don’t look up. If you don’t believe me, check out "Grave Encounters" yourself. Save yourself the trouble, GTFO quickly.  

17.   Never overestimate a bargain –
You got that house on a bargain for a reason. Dead pigeons, creepy worms, scary mirrors, bleeding walls, whispering voices, are telling you why that house was a bargain. If you’re cheap and novel home seems too good to be true, it probably is.  

18.   Always protect the most vulnerable part of your body –
We’ve seen the killers grab a girl by her hair or pull a person by the ankle. Tie up your hair when you’re traveling by yourself in the graveyard at midnight and wear sneakers and not heels, heels are the ankle’s enemy.  

19.   Never believe the good-looking boyfriend –
If you have a somewhat handsome boyfriend or a partner, he’s probably a psycho or a vampire. If he has been transformed into a zombie, there’s no need to confess your love for him or have second thoughts on how zomified he is or if he can be brought back from the dead. Just shoot him in the head and move on, YOLO! You don’t need to believe that the pets that are back from the dead love you either, just slam the door on them. Because, not everyone deserves the benefit of doubt!  

20.   Never take babysitting lightly –
It’s a dangerous job for anyone, especially if you’re all alone n the middle of nowhere. It’s not to be recommended unless you have a flame gun, axe and a fire arm strapped to your body.  

21.   Always pick the right friends –
Having the rich, good-looking or athletic friend is of no use because they die first. Choose the friends who are tough and mean - they’ll know to fight, or the nerds - they’ll know the correct passwords in an underground chamber and take you up. However, the best friend to choose here is the person who knows occult. Listen to everything he/she says, you’ll need it when the other friends of yours die after waking up the dead. This is also the right time to know that the one person who is scared of everything will certainly live. And, stop hanging out with friends who wanted to “check out that haunted house”.  

22.   Never encourage experimentation of any kind–
We all know that genetic, DNA, viral, bacterial, etc. experiments can go extremely wrong. In such cases, stay away from monkeys and people with a glazed expression and blood dripping from their mouth. Refer to point 5 for Ouija board experimentation.
Hope this helps!

Feel Old! NOT!

Why haven’t you got married yet?

Hamare sanskaron mein kya kami reh gayi thi, bolo?

En unaku kalyamna pidikamaatengardadu?

Anda paiyane eduku reject pannine, badul sollu?

Enge kitte opena pesu, naanga romba cool.

Nee yevanavdae love pannariya, paravale enga kitta sollu – naanga poi pesarom?

Unaku boy freiendsae kidaiyada?

These questions are every single Tamil girl’s very much dreaded FAQs! (and if you’re an exception stop reading this right now, because I am jealous!!!) As much as I hate to admit this, these questions really do get on my nerves. In the community we live in, marriage is a badge of honor that you must proudly wear and show off to your relatives, friends, neighbors, people you know and don’t know. Believe me, it gets worse when you are the only one left to take the plunge – while all your friends, cousins, and distant relatives your age are already married or on the verge of it.

Now, don’t get me wrong or judge me, because I am totally PRO marriage. I am a romantic at heart and I believe in true love, soul mates and all that good stuff. I just don’t think we should rush things just because of the society, parents, age.. blah blah. After countless fights, a million arguments, and another million awkward silences, I have managed to detect the pre-marital process of a handling a proposal.

The Process – 
1.       First things first, when you reach 25 your biological clock is on the verge of exploding, it’s not a clock anymore – it’s a frggin time bomb.

     2.       Then, you become everyone’s favorite family “project” – because people think that you need help!

     3.       Then, comes the pooja and the regular visits to the astrologer, who say you are on the verge of marriage (as if that’s gonna make anyone happy and content) and they prescribe a series of mantras and poojas and what not, and tell you about your doshams and the temples you need to visit. Let’s not forget the fact that the entire world is praying for you at this point, your parents, siblings, relatives.. and people who you forgot about. YOU are literally the one and only reason for their prayer. And don’t forget, by this time you are lighting three ghee diyas to a variety of deities.

     4.       Next, you are invited/forced to every single family event that has happened. In a brave attempt to make you “meet” the right one.  Of course, there is no right one in those festivals; otherwise I wouldn’t be parading my single status today. You’re relatives’ eye you keenly throughout the festivities to see if someone has taken an interest in you or to see if their “introduction plan” worked. Let’s not forget people who you’ve never met before coming up to you and asking why aren’t you married? And, the minute you get frustrated and tell them to get off your back, all hell breaks loose!! You are suddenly not a homely girl; you are an “adangapidari” with lack of sanskarams and mariyadai for the elders!

     5.       Since that didn’t work out too well, you are enrolled in every possible matrimony site on the internet. You’re profile details are sent out to every maami and maama in the corners of the world. From the agraharams of Nagarkoil to the suburbs of Minneapolis.

     6.       Then, the final attempt of questioning which is ideally supposed to lead somewhere. “What happened to that engineering boy who came to return your pen drive 3 years ago?” or “College first year le unna propose pannavanku ippovum un mela interest iruka?” or “Didn’t anyone propose to you yet?” or “Sharradha maami ponnuku ippo 22 - avalku kooda kalyanam fix pannita, ulagatae purinju nadanduko”.

     7.       Last but not least,  “neeye paiyane paatuko” we won’t interfere in your marriage matters anymore, because we are extremely upset with your behavior your lack of interest. That’s obviously followed by point number 3 and rolls down to point number 6.

After not allowing me to talk to boys, after making sure I don’t go on dates, after not allowing me to stay back after 9 p.m., after not allowing me to go to parties, our parents are suddenly disappointed in us not finding a guy when we hit the “prime of our lives”.  I’m just kidding.. or am I?

Understandings –

    1.       Getting married, having kids, buying a house, taking a loan.. none of these come with an expiration date. This is not like buying vegetables at Farm Fresh!

    2.       People who got married at 20 – 22 do NOT have any more guarantee of happiness than whatever age you are at today. Life is meant to be enjoyed, no matter when you find the “one”.

    3.       Those who are married have their own set of problems; marriage does not guarantee happiness, love, care, friendship, ethics, etc. You can guarantee all these for yourself no matter what stage of life you are at now.

    4.       Take the advice of people who love and care about you, but make your own decisions.

    5.       Last but not least, marriage is a choice of a particular lifestyle and not a necessity or an obligation. So, for the love of god take your time!

    6.       Bonus point – Stop meeting every birthday of yours with a sense of doom (easier said than done, I know. But, try.).

For the Socially Awkward

There are going to be some moments which will remain awkward.. Whether you are 13, 30 or 300. 

Brand New Heels

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tripped walking in my flats, let alone my heels. It’s a fact – the bigger the heels, the slower the reflexes and brain-to-body signals.

Situation 1 – Tripping and playing it chill!!

I’ve tripped in front of at least 20 people – fell on all fours – gotten up as gracefully as I can – limped away – went to the loo and examined how bad the bruises were – come out and pretend that everything is chill (even though the same 20 people are staring at you. WTH.. Don’t you all have a life?). You also realized when you were writhing with pain on the floor - the longer you stayed there, the worse it got. This feels much worse than it actually is *This is what you have to tell yourself to stop yourself from getting damaged for life.* You also tell yourself that at least this time you were wearing heels, and not flats.

Situation 2 – Tripping and NOT playing it chill!!

I’ve tripped in front of a whole floor of people – fell on my face – gotten up as ungracefully as I can and people think you’ve broken your hip or something and come to help you, and you badly need their help – with superior will-power you have limped away with your broken shoe in one hand (when all you want to do is lie on the floor and wail like a baby) – went to the loo and examined how bad the bruises were, but you fail to notice the bruise in your face – the bruises you noticed are really bad – come out crying (with the same floor people staring at you. Suddenly, you realize the floor has incredible good looking people in it, and you just made a bigger fool by crying in front of them all, and you don’t even realize there’s a purplish blue bruise on your face, as if we weren’t ugly enough in the first place). You know there is just no recovering from that, no matter how much you try – especially since there was nothing on the floor to trip you up and you realize you tripped over yourself. And you go home, sadly singing Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 

Losing to a Child

I lost count of how many times I’ve lost a game to a child, be it chess, hide-and-seek, scrabble, marbles, .. marbles can you believe it? Even I can’t!

You name it – I’ve lost it. Are they getting ridiculously clever or are my brain cells diminishing with age? The most awkward part is when you act as if you actually “gave up the game” and didn’t lose in front of the other adults, and they actually do believe you, because nobody can be that stupid, right? Sigh!! And the kid looks at you scornfully and gives you a jeering smile, cos the kid knows the truth and has learnt an important lesson today - adults too, can be complete losers. Want to know something even more awkward? When they point at you in front of their friends and say, look at that lady (I can’t understand why someone would call me lady or aunty - it adds to the pain, because now you’re stupid and old!) she lost a game of marbles to my three year old brother, and you realize that you have to live with yourself, and try to block the game of marbles out of your head to retain some sanity.

The Elevator

I’m not talking about the time when someone farts in an elevator, because that’s just gross and not awkward. I’m talking about the time when you get into a crowded elevator, and face one direction and realize everyone else is facing the other way. And the elevator is so crowded, you can’t turn around, but everybody knows there’s a creepy “lady” facing the other way. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, you are stuck for eternity in a metal catacomb. And then, the elevator decides to stop at every floor and nobody gets out and nobody can get it. Suddenly, you’re phone rings drawing even more attention to yourself, and its playing that lounge music that you thought would make you look cool, but it actually makes people around you wish they were deaf or dead. Finally, the elevator door opens and you get out only to see a cute guy get off the lift with you. He hesitates and makes eye contact awkwardly and thinks you’re the one who farted in the lift as well. And you realize this is a day you wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy, and you’re having to live it. 

Now, that's awkward!

Cry Today! Please!

The waiter didn’t have pepper for my tomato soup, while I smiled and told him that’s OK; I started to plan his demises in my head in intricate detail.

Sheila decided that Sunday evening 9.30 p.m. is the best time to tell me I have to submit a high-priority write-up on Monday morning at 9.30 a.m. I managed to keep the sarcasm and cussing to myself, but the urge to fling my phone at her smiling face was seriously irresistible.

I spilt a cup of hot coffee over my favorite white shirt, and I am this close to murdering… the coffee. And, let’s not forget the time when I took a hundred photos at my favorite beach resort, hoping to capture at least one good picture of me and the backdrop - no prizes for guessing, but when not even one photo ends up looking good, you want to seriously burn that camera.. and bury those ashes inside the small box, and then go ahead and burn it again, and put that in another small box.. and you know what I want to do next.

You know that, when something as small as spilt coffee is enough to make you Lose. Your. Shit. It’s time to think what the hell is happening. It’s really not the waiter.. or Sheila or the coffee that made you want to lose your mind, its actually all the pent up emotions and frustrations inside you, that you’ve been holding onto.. forever! Crying is rarely a sign of strength and bravery, right? Wrong, you cry because you are human, and tears are what show you that you are actually alive and kicking. You went thru hell and guess what.. you’re still alive, you made it! You might be in tears, but that’s only because you feel something, you lost something, you want something, these are signs of someone realizing that crying relieves you of all the pent up emotions you are holding back.

Let me paint you a picture, when I cry there is kajal and mascara running down my cheeks, my eyes are bloodshot, my nose is red and resembles Rudolph, and I probably have tissue paper sticking out of my nose. Sob :( Sob.. That picture is enough to make me cry harder. But, one minute after that I’m fine and I'm raring to go! I might have broken down, but - Hey! I picked myself up and that’s all matters! (Avoid looking at the mirror as you cry, you might be scarred for life!)

I suggest/request/command/advice that you cry today. If you look as ugly as me when you’re crying, get into the loo and cry it out. I want you to release all the pend-up emotions so that you don’t kill Sheila.. or harm yourself. Now, I don’t suggest crying every day, but once in a while a few tears might just be your best friend.

Crying certainly won’t pay the bills/help you with your relationships/create new friends and it certainly won’t make you look physically attractive. But, it will make you stronger, braver and help you be patient, now, that would certainly solve a lot of problems, won’t it?