Saturday, August 15, 2015

The Nail on the Head





I was 10, when I realized there was something very wrong, when everyone in the village would tell me not to venture outside our farmhouse after 5 P.M every day. Here’s how it all began:

I’ve been born and bought up in Chennai, but we spent the holidays in a small farmhouse belonging to a relative in a village near the Thanjavur district, a village known as Umayalapuram. However, the location doesn’t matter, here’s the most horrific thing that has ever happened to me..

Our holidays at Umayalapuram were pretty relaxing, but a little boring. We had lush farms all around the farmhouse with fruit, vegetable and grain crops all across, which was great for a child of 10 to explore every day, but because of the vastness of the farms I was never allowed to wander off too far. I had no friends of my age, as no children were allowed near the farm. The farmers and the ladies at the village kept an eye on me whenever I was in the farm; they’d be kind and sweet and offer me ladoos and mangoes as long as I obeyed the rules and complain to my parents as soon as I turned into a brat. They were over protective, and I never really found out why until much later. 

There was this day, a nice Sunday afternoon, around 3 in the noon when I decided to take a stroll all by myself. Girls my age would be happy playing with their Barbie dolls, but there I was chasing butterflies and dragonflies and fighting off imaginary dragons till exhaustion. I remember finding a nice and cool green patch and lying down, and then remember walking up in the dark to howling winds and not knowing where I was, the only thing around me was the moonlight and the winds. It was dark, clammy and windy; even if I had screamed nobody could have heard me. As I tried to wrack my brain and think which direction led to the farmhouse, I heard it… a blood-curling scream in two different directions, it didn’t sound like an animal or like a human, it was… something else entirely and it sent chills down my spine. I tried running away from it, but heard the noise from all directions. I suddenly came upon, a barn of sorts. It was abandoned and heavily locked, however I found two loose wooden planks and managed to rip them out and crawled inside. 

Till today, I can never ever describe what I saw inside the barn. It was dark, there were no lights but I could see several dozens of wooden planks in different sizes because of the moonlight, the top of which were nailed to the wall of the barn. They were glistening with oil, adorned with jasmine flowers, sandal wood and kumkum. There was more, the jasmines and the sandal could not hide the smell of something dank, pungent and rotting, it was suffocating and it was making me want to retch. There was something sinister about the wooden planks; I have never encountered a place as horribly evil and dark as this. I could hear new screams, now louder and I also heard someone heavily panting behind me. Through the stifling smell, noise and atmosphere I heard a squeaking noise, I watched in horror as a nail slowly began thrusting itself out of a plank. The nail unscrewed itself from the plank and fell down on the damp floor, and almost instantly out of the corner of the barn a small and bright orange ball rolled out, and I swear I saw someone or something move in the same dark corner. I froze in horror for what seemed like an eternity, I instantly decided that I would rather be outside with the screams rather than cooped up in here with these dreadful planks (How I didn’t die from a heart attack I’ll never know).I decided to make a run for it, I ran till I thought my feet would fall off. An elderly lady caught me as I was running, and in my fear I thought she was the screamer and decided to scream my head off. Finally my parents found me, as they had all been searching for me in the farm, and had been calling out my name; I had never been able to hear them because of the howling wind. They rushed me into the farmhouse and after several hours of me crying incessantly and having a nervous breakdown I told them what happened. My parents told me I was imagining things, however their pale faces told me they were hiding something from me and I hadn’t imagined a thing. We left the following day never to return again to the farms. Soon, my relative sold our farmhouse and my parents never went to the village or contacted the villagers. 

After haggling with my parents for years, they decided to tell me the truth about the barn when I was 20 years old. 

About 100 years ago, several rich families who owned a lot of land in the Ulayalapuram village had begun to commit atrocities in the name of cast and money. They had shunned everyone except people from their own cast as outsiders -tying them up with ropes, depriving them food and water for days, letting small children starve to death and plundering the innocent for money and land. The rich specifically focused on making the children work to the point of exhaustion or killing them for disobedience. 

It is said that one day the souls of the dead children began to attack the families slowly, and drove them all insane. One day, the dead cornered the families inside the farm and brutally murdered them all. The descendants of the family were all in grave danger, and decided to leave the village. However, one by one they all died or went insane. The dead souls needed new flesh to kill, and began to brutally attack and kill the children of the village. Several prayers and poojas were conducted to please the souls and leave the children be. The new leader of the village begged the dead to stop the attacks and promised to give the souls what the needed as long as they left the people alone. The dead agreed on one condition, that all the souls will lay on a wooden plank and their heads be nailed to a wooden plank. If the nails are removed either on purpose or by accident, the souls will be free to attack and kill as please. The people of Umayalapuram agreed, and all the souls were nailed to the planks. A pujari comes in every week and baths the planks with sacred oils, holy water and pays his respects. They are kept at the barn, out of the reach of people. My parents told me they never believed the villagers, and went to the village because it was a great place for a vacation. They had brushed off the stories as superstitions, and until I told them what I saw they had never even heard a scream from the barn. 

If all this was true, Why wasn’t I hurt? Why was I still alive? How did the nail unscrew itself? I know the questions, but I don’t think I want to know anymore answers.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Quilled Earrings




Dahi Bengan




1. Heat a little oil in a tava and add jeera and mustard seeds and wait for them to splutter.
2. Meanwhile, chop a big brinjal into big chunks and roast in the tava for 2 minutes on each side.
3. After the brinjal roasts, add some salt, chilly powder/pepper, coriander powder, turmeric powder, cumin powder and kitchen king masala and roast for 5 minutes until the brinjal is soft.
4. Mix a cup of curd, a spoon of besan and tons of coriander leaves, add the curd to the brinjal and sauté till it becomes thick.
5. Wait for the curd mixture to boil for 2 minutes and then remove from flame.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Dum Allu in 5 steps


Easy Peasy Dum Aalu

  1.   Boil a combo of baby and big potatoes (I used 8 small potatoes and 2 medium potatoes). Peel the skin and slightly pierce with a fork. Heat a little oil and fry the potatoes till they are evenly colored. Take them out on a paper towel to remove the excess oil. 
  2.  In a kadai add coriander seeds (1 tsb), jeera (1 tsb) and red chillies (6-7) and dry roast them till they  give a nice aroma. Let them cool and make them into a powder and set aside.
  3.  Chop 2 medium tomatoes, 2 green chillies and 1 onion roughly, and blend in a mixer along with 1 ½ cups of fresh curds till finely blended.
  4.  In a kadai with some oil add the curd paste, salt and wait for the paste to cook thoroughly, until the smell of raw onions is no more. Now add the potatoes and the powder and let them cook in the gravy for 10-15 minutes. 
  5.  Chop up some fresh coriander leaves and garnish the dish. Serve hot with rice, chapati or naan. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

At peace!



Long Live Cake!



This time, I used water in the pressure cooker (upto an inch) and the steamed the cake for 1 hour. The result was a spongy and airy cake! I added sprinkles and powdered sugar for a festive feel. It is X-mas after all!!

The ingredients are here -

http://oopsitsvidya.blogspot.in/2013/12/choco-nut-cake-vannila-cashew-cake-no.html

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Poori Bhaji


I’m going to Hell!

There is a lot people don’t know about me, this includes my family and BFFs. There are secrets that I have always hidden deep inside that have never ever been revealed, for a good reason.  However, today I confess..
  1. There was this friend in school, who was supposed to mentor me – let’s call him “Ashwin”. Whenever he would talk to me, I would always look at his eyebrow and then his shoes. He’d ask me, if there was something on his face and glance at his shoes. I would say no, and act like I don’t know what he was talking about. This made him forget what he was talking every time and would drive him crazy. I heard him begging our teacher to mentor someone else.
  2. I would come early to work and put a piece of transparent cellophane tape under my colleague’s mouse (where the red light flicks). The mouse worked, but it was very slow and hazy. Slowly but surely I watched her go paranoid.
  3. As a kid, I used to discreetly eat just the peanuts and cashew nuts from all Haldiram packets my parents brought back home. I would leave just enough nuts, for my family to think that Haldirams were just being stingy. 
  4. On the election’s day at work, I glued together all the “Indian Economy” pages in the newspaper. And tried not to laugh loudly when someone tried to pull it apart.
  5. I found a vial of glitter at my workplace, and used to find a way to pour just a little at a time into a colleague’s bag, her chair, her keyboard, inside her mobile case, etc for a month. She would be covered in glitter every day and look like a deranged Christmas tree. She never found out what happened and had to clean up every single day.
  6. When my colleague left the laptop unlocked, I changed their mouse settings from double-clicking to single-clicking. In 2 days, they looked like they belonged in the loony bin.
  7. I would intentionally mispronounce the word affidavit as affidavid, barbed wire as bob wire, clothes as clos, escape as excape in front of my English teacher. She used to be meticulous about pronunciation and tried correcting me many times. Soon, I watched her crack at the edges. Good times!!
  8. I once stayed with an extremely organized and disciplined aunt. I would meticulously place an item between the refrigerator door gaps every day (they had the big tall refrigerators). Every time, she opened the fridge a spoon/utensil/flower/plate/toy/paper would fall out. And, she had to bend and pick it up and slowly go cuckoo.
  9. Long ago, when mobile phones were a rarity, I changed the language in my friend’s mobile to Chinese. She almost died trying to fix it.
  10.  My friend once left his Facebook page open. I changed all his Facebook settings from “All My Friends” to “Only Me”. Nobody liked his posts and photos for ages, and I think it made him feel unloved.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The Ultimate Guide on Surviving Anything Horror Related

To name a few horror movies I’ve seen.. Insidious I  and II, Saw, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Ring, Sinister, The Shining, The Maniac, Cabin in the Woods, The Exorcist, Oculus, Alien, Silence of the Lambs, Conjuring, Evil Dead, Scream, Psycho, Paranormal Activity, 28 days, Contracted, VHS Tape, 13 sins, 13 ghosts, 6 souls, 1408, Shutter , A tale of 2 sisters, Innkeepers, Anaconda, Lake Placid, The Grudge, The Hills Have Eyes, Grave Encounters I and II, You’re Next, The Collector I and II, Final Destination, Red State, Carrie, Drag me to Hell, The Ruins, The abduction, I know what you did last summer, Hostel I and II , Jeepers Creepers, Predators, Jaws, Blaire Witch Project, The Descent, Omen, and many more. This makes me an expert in occult, abduction, and witchery and today I know what to do when there’s an apocalypse, alien invasion, ghostly spirits haunting the house, werewolf attack or zombie outbreak. This is a compilation of life saving instructions if/when you encounter a revengeful ghost, crazed serial killer, jealous slasher, or hungry werewolf.

Lessons learnt:  

1.      Never trust anyone –
First things first, look at your relatives, friends, neighbors and acquaintances with a lot of distrust, because the serial killer is always someone you know. So, keep your eyes peeled.  The serial killer has superpowers too which you should know of, they never set off the security alarm, they never trip even if the room is pitch black, they always have good mobile signal, they know the exact layout of your house, and they always appear out of nowhere. Serial killers are so bad that they can do some weird stuff like sew a mask on their face without cringing, or take photographs of violently killed beautiful women for hours without puking, so don’t mess with them.  

2.      Never split from the group –
Splitting from the group when there’s a murderous psycho running around equals suicide. Remember Scream, Predators, Anaconda where the loner always.. always dies.

3.      Never check the dead –
The killer never dies, so don’t go over there and stoop to check if he’s dead or not. He’s not, but you will be very soon.

4.      Never solve puzzles or read artifacts that lead to hell or open hell –
I thought this was a no brainer, just DON’T DO IT! If the puzzle/artifact needs you to blow the dust off it more than once, leave it the hell alone. It’s a portal to hell/evil, DUH! And beware of anything written in Latin with the number 13 and 666. Speaking of Number 666,always inspect the bald head of your newborn.   

5.      Always be chicken –
It’s OK to not spend the night at a graveyard or avoid staying at the haunted inn, even if the prize is a million dollars, even your friends call you chicken. Oh, and if a friend brings over an Ouija board, it’s alright to punch them in the face. There’s no need to go to the party at the old house that once was an asylum either.  

6.      Never try to find out what that weird noise is –
When someone calls your name out in the dark, when there’s talking from the other side of the mirror, or there’s that scratching noise up at the attic call your best friend/family and tell them what’s happening or GTFO of the house.

7.      Never believe a power cut –
(Do I really have to tell you that?) It’s OK to NOT go to the pitch black basement with a candle to fix the fuse. Take someone with you, get a torch or deal with it in some other way.  

8.      Always believe children and pets–
When a child says “I see dead people”, he really does. And when your dog won’t enter the house or a room, even after you try to drag him in, he’s onto something deadly. P.S – If the dog runs away, DO NOT run after him, especially if you’re in the middle/border of a forest. The more nervous the animal is.. the faster you should scram. Avoid believing the children only if their eyes glow red and they sing nursery rhymes in a spooky voice.  

9.      Never believe a friendly alien –
The aliens are not your friends, period. And, it looks like aliens find childbirth too demanding, which is where humans come in handy. Not only do they use us for childbirth, but also to serve as an appetizer for the newborn. Not cool!  

10.   Never think everyone’s dead –
If you didn’t see them die, they’re probably alive. You just saw someone being dragged off by their ankles, they’ll be back at the last minute stronger and braver than before, and they’ll probably save your sorry self.  

11.   Never avoid the local’s advice –
They know what they’re saying – they’ve been there for decades, you breeze in out of nowhere and suddenly you know better? No wonder, you’re going to die now. When they say there’s a creepy old ghost in that spine-chilling house atop the hill, you better believe them.  

12.   Never use the shortcut at 1 a.m. –
No brainer again, the ghosts, spirits, killers, aliens love the shortcuts. STOP GOING THAT WAY. If your friend insists, now is the right time to punch them in the stomach.    

13.   Never underestimate small towns –
There’s always a demonic cult or Satan hiding there. And they often require a constant supply of pretty girls for sacrifice. Nobody knows why all the girls have to be hot chicks. BTW, if a small town is deserted, people probably vacated it for a very good reason. Staying away from hostels, hotels, asylums and orphanages isn’t a bad idea either.  

14.   Never underestimate the history –
For the love of god, find out what your ancestors were up to. Maybe the wronged a spirit or made a pact with a demon at full moon hundred years ago? At least find out the history of the house you are in, maybe someone died in there or it’s built on an ancient burial ground or there’s a mysterious opening to hell under the kitchen.  

15.   Always lookout -
Another thing to look out is – when your petrified friend/partner/parent/whoever suddenly calms down and says there’s no need to run from the devil, alien, zombie, alien anymore. Run like you’re hair is on fire or get them to an exorcist.  

16.   Never follow the blood –
The blood leads to (no prizes for guessing) either the killer or the dead that’s undead. No need to go there. If there is blood dripping from the ceiling or a bloody object on the floor, don’t look up. If you don’t believe me, check out "Grave Encounters" yourself. Save yourself the trouble, GTFO quickly.  

17.   Never overestimate a bargain –
You got that house on a bargain for a reason. Dead pigeons, creepy worms, scary mirrors, bleeding walls, whispering voices, are telling you why that house was a bargain. If you’re cheap and novel home seems too good to be true, it probably is.  

18.   Always protect the most vulnerable part of your body –
We’ve seen the killers grab a girl by her hair or pull a person by the ankle. Tie up your hair when you’re traveling by yourself in the graveyard at midnight and wear sneakers and not heels, heels are the ankle’s enemy.  

19.   Never believe the good-looking boyfriend –
If you have a somewhat handsome boyfriend or a partner, he’s probably a psycho or a vampire. If he has been transformed into a zombie, there’s no need to confess your love for him or have second thoughts on how zomified he is or if he can be brought back from the dead. Just shoot him in the head and move on, YOLO! You don’t need to believe that the pets that are back from the dead love you either, just slam the door on them. Because, not everyone deserves the benefit of doubt!  

20.   Never take babysitting lightly –
It’s a dangerous job for anyone, especially if you’re all alone n the middle of nowhere. It’s not to be recommended unless you have a flame gun, axe and a fire arm strapped to your body.  

21.   Always pick the right friends –
Having the rich, good-looking or athletic friend is of no use because they die first. Choose the friends who are tough and mean - they’ll know to fight, or the nerds - they’ll know the correct passwords in an underground chamber and take you up. However, the best friend to choose here is the person who knows occult. Listen to everything he/she says, you’ll need it when the other friends of yours die after waking up the dead. This is also the right time to know that the one person who is scared of everything will certainly live. And, stop hanging out with friends who wanted to “check out that haunted house”.  

22.   Never encourage experimentation of any kind–
We all know that genetic, DNA, viral, bacterial, etc. experiments can go extremely wrong. In such cases, stay away from monkeys and people with a glazed expression and blood dripping from their mouth. Refer to point 5 for Ouija board experimentation.
Hope this helps!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Feel Old! NOT!


Why haven’t you got married yet?
Hamare sanskaron mein kya kami reh gayi thi, bolo?
En unaku kalyamna pidikamaatengardadu?
Anda paiyane eduku reject pannine, badul sollu?
Enge kitte opena pesu, naanga romba cool.
Nee yevanavdae love pannariya, paravale enga kitta sollu – naanga poi pesarom?
Unaku boy freiendsae kidaiyada?

These questions are every single Tamil girl’s very much dreaded FAQs! (and if you’re an exception stop reading this right now, because I am jealous!!!) As much as I hate to admit this, these questions really do get on my nerves. In the community we live in, marriage is a badge of honor that you must proudly wear and show off to your relatives, friends, neighbors, people you know and don’t know. Believe me, it gets worse when you are the only one left to take the plunge – while all your friends, cousins, and distant relatives your age are already married or on the verge of it.
Now, don’t get me wrong or judge me, because I am totally PRO marriage. I am a romantic at heart and I believe in true love, soul mates and all that good stuff. I just don’t think we should rush things just because of the society, parents, age.. blah blah. After countless fights, a million arguments, and another million awkward silences, I have managed to detect the pre-marital process of a handling a proposal.

The Process – 
1.       First things first, when you reach 25 your biological clock is on the verge of exploding, it’s not a clock anymore – it’s a frggin time bomb.
     2.       Then, you become everyone’s favorite family “project” – because people think that you need help!
     3.       Then, comes the pooja and the regular visits to the astrologer, who say you are on the verge of marriage (as if that’s gonna make anyone happy and content) and they prescribe a series of mantras and poojas and what not, and tell you about your doshams and the temples you need to visit. Let’s not forget the fact that the entire world is praying for you at this point, your parents, siblings, relatives.. and people who you forgot about. YOU are literally the one and only reason for their prayer. And don’t forget, by this time you are lighting three ghee diyas to a variety of deities.
     4.       Next, you are invited/forced to every single family event that has happened. In a brave attempt to make you “meet” the right one.  Of course, there is no right one in those festivals; otherwise I wouldn’t be parading my single status today. You’re relatives’ eye you keenly throughout the festivities to see if someone has taken an interest in you or to see if their “introduction plan” worked. Let’s not forget people who you’ve never met before coming up to you and asking why aren’t you married? And, the minute you get frustrated and tell them to get off your back, all hell breaks loose!! You are suddenly not a homely girl; you are an “adangapidari” with lack of sanskarams and mariyadai for the elders!
     5.       Since that didn’t work out too well, you are enrolled in every possible matrimony site on the internet. You’re profile details are sent out to every maami and maama in the corners of the world. From the agraharams of Nagarkoil to the suburbs of Minneapolis.
     6.       Then, the final attempt of questioning which is ideally supposed to lead somewhere. “What happened to that engineering boy who came to return your pen drive 3 years ago?” or “College first year le unna propose pannavanku ippovum un mela interest iruka?” or “Didn’t anyone propose to you yet?” or “Sharradha maami ponnuku ippo 22 - avalku kooda kalyanam fix pannita, ulagatae purinju nadanduko”.
     7.       Last but not least,  “neeye paiyane paatuko” we won’t interfere in your marriage matters anymore, because we are extremely upset with your behavior your lack of interest. That’s obviously followed by point number 3 and rolls down to point number 6.

After not allowing me to talk to boys, after making sure I don’t go on dates, after not allowing me to stay back after 9 p.m., after not allowing me to go to parties, our parents are suddenly disappointed in us not finding a guy when we hit the “prime of our lives”.  I’m just kidding.. or am I?

Understandings –

    1.       Getting married, having kids, buying a house, taking a loan.. none of these come with an expiration date. This is not like buying vegetables at Farm Fresh!
    2.       People who got married at 20 – 22 do NOT have any more guarantee of happiness than whatever age you are at today. Life is meant to be enjoyed, no matter when you find the “one”.
    3.       Those who are married have their own set of problems; marriage does not guarantee happiness, love, care, friendship, ethics, etc. You can guarantee all these for yourself no matter what stage of life you are at now.
    4.       Take the advice of people who love and care about you, but make your own decisions.
    5.       Last but not least, marriage is a choice of a particular lifestyle and not a necessity or an obligation. So, for the love of god take your time!
    6.       Bonus point – Stop meeting every birthday of yours with a sense of doom (easier said than done, I know. But, try.).